It's a while since my last post, and it's a slightly odd title. So let me explain... I've just come back from a week at Tai Chi summer training. There are many things I get from Tai Chi, but one of the things I want to pick out relates to how we react to people and situations. What most people associate with Tai Chi is the Tai Chi form - a set sequence of movements performed slowly and smoothly, practised alone or perhaps in a group. However we also practise more martial (2 person) work. In this, the idea is to engage with another person and mitigate any challenge they present without losing your balance (which almost always results in you being "pushed" over).
It's pretty easy to see how this might be a metaphor for interactions in business, and something you might want to be able to do. I'm not going to try to describe in detail how our practice works, but one "secret" of success in this 2 person practice is to avoid over-reacting. It turns out that it is not the other person who pushes you off balance, but your own over-reaction which takes you off balance. They then simply take advantage of that. Similarly, you do not push them off balance, you simply wait until they over-react and take themselves off balance, then use that to your advantage. Simple!
You don't have to take up Tai Chi to use this Tai Chi secret in your everyday life. Avoiding over-reaction is something you can do very quickly in many situations - just by breathing. I've written many times about how your limbic reacts instantly to people and situations, and it is the limbic that has the tendency to over-react. When it sees a situation or person as a threat, it doesn't hesitate, it stimulates your sypathetic nervous system into full scale physical response - often with unhelpful consequences. In particular it shuts off the PFC which means you lose the capacity to imagine positive outcomes or see new options for action. But slowly breathing out instantly switches on your para-sympathetic nervous system to calm the limbic, and re-enable your PFC - giving you back your ability to make better choices.
Clearly it helps if you practice paying attention to your breathing (eg via mindfulness type practices) and the more you put this into practice in stressful situations, the more automatic the response becomes (which is why we do the martial arts practice). But there's nothing to stop you using this reframing thought right now. You don't breathe to relax and stay calm, you breathe to give yourself the advantage and more choices of action. So first choose to breathe!
Showing posts with label 1.9 Other posts in this section. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1.9 Other posts in this section. Show all posts
The ABC of self-awareness
My last post on acronyms proved really popular, so here's another! It came out of a conversation with my friend Yda Bouvier (www.bouvierltd.com) who regularly works with groups on "being your best" - all about self-awareness and self-management.
A is for Attention. You need to be able to direct your attention with a particular focus "in the moment" and also to be able to hold your attention there. Both of these are skills that are developed only by doing, hence the value of a mindfulness practice.
B is for Body. The best place on which to focus to increase awareness (and help in self-management) is the body. Our conscious / rational thinking can block out non-rational data (eg feelings, intuitions etc). Focusing on the sensory data in your body brings this non-rational data into your consciousness. Some body-based mindfulness practices can be helpful here as well.
C is for Courage: This is my favourite. In reality, what often stops us being self-aware is that a part of our brain doesn't want us to see ourselves! It takes courage to look at ourselves "warts and all". I truly believe that often, as a coach, one of my key roles is helping people find the courage to reflect using a brutally honest, rather than an ego-protecting, mirror. Again, practicing self-reflection makes it less scary - you could say it builds your courage.
Nothing very new here, but as a development practices "to do" list I love its clarity.
A is for Attention. You need to be able to direct your attention with a particular focus "in the moment" and also to be able to hold your attention there. Both of these are skills that are developed only by doing, hence the value of a mindfulness practice.
B is for Body. The best place on which to focus to increase awareness (and help in self-management) is the body. Our conscious / rational thinking can block out non-rational data (eg feelings, intuitions etc). Focusing on the sensory data in your body brings this non-rational data into your consciousness. Some body-based mindfulness practices can be helpful here as well.
C is for Courage: This is my favourite. In reality, what often stops us being self-aware is that a part of our brain doesn't want us to see ourselves! It takes courage to look at ourselves "warts and all". I truly believe that often, as a coach, one of my key roles is helping people find the courage to reflect using a brutally honest, rather than an ego-protecting, mirror. Again, practicing self-reflection makes it less scary - you could say it builds your courage.
Nothing very new here, but as a development practices "to do" list I love its clarity.
Feeling and doing GREAT
This is a theme I have posted about before, and talk about a lot, ie the two dimensional nature of success, the connection between the dimensions, and the true direction of the cause and effect. In this post, prompted by a TED video I have just watched (link at the end), I want to focus on the practical steps you can take to feel great, and therefore increase your chance of doing great, at work.
First a quick recap. We know that we literally think better when we are feeling good. Strong negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger etc) diminish our capacity to think. They can of course help us to act, eg keep us going when we are exhausted or drive us to tackle something dangerous which clearer thinking might lead us to avoid. However, my assertion would be that in the world of business, especially at the more senior levels, thinking is more important than doing.
Unfortunately we are highly tuned to negative emotions - much more than positive. Our neuro-physiology is designed (by evolution) to be particularly sensitive to potential threats. And in our modern world we are constantly triggered by the negative inputs that are fed to us at work and in our wider personal life. So it's hard to feel good!
However, some people can stay less triggered than others, and here's the good news, we can all train our brains to be less triggered. Here is the magic (actually scientific) formula for training your brain. Create a GREAT daily routine:
G = Gratitude: Think of three good things that happened today, ie "count your blessings"
R = Re-framing: Deliberately choose to see positive possibilities from upsetting events
E = Exercise: Use it to stimulate the brain to produce the chemicals which make us feel good
A = Altruism: Do something out of compassion, eg buy a Big Issue tonight
T = Time Out (or In): Practice a mindfulness-based meditation that helps you regulate emotion
It's pretty simple. As you will probably realise, all these practices simply involve consciously choosing what to pay attention to. Practicing this literally changes the way our brain sees the world. It's a better place than we fear it is!
PS Here's the video - only 12 minutes: http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work.html
First a quick recap. We know that we literally think better when we are feeling good. Strong negative emotions (fear, anxiety, anger etc) diminish our capacity to think. They can of course help us to act, eg keep us going when we are exhausted or drive us to tackle something dangerous which clearer thinking might lead us to avoid. However, my assertion would be that in the world of business, especially at the more senior levels, thinking is more important than doing.
Unfortunately we are highly tuned to negative emotions - much more than positive. Our neuro-physiology is designed (by evolution) to be particularly sensitive to potential threats. And in our modern world we are constantly triggered by the negative inputs that are fed to us at work and in our wider personal life. So it's hard to feel good!
However, some people can stay less triggered than others, and here's the good news, we can all train our brains to be less triggered. Here is the magic (actually scientific) formula for training your brain. Create a GREAT daily routine:
G = Gratitude: Think of three good things that happened today, ie "count your blessings"
R = Re-framing: Deliberately choose to see positive possibilities from upsetting events
E = Exercise: Use it to stimulate the brain to produce the chemicals which make us feel good
A = Altruism: Do something out of compassion, eg buy a Big Issue tonight
T = Time Out (or In): Practice a mindfulness-based meditation that helps you regulate emotion
It's pretty simple. As you will probably realise, all these practices simply involve consciously choosing what to pay attention to. Practicing this literally changes the way our brain sees the world. It's a better place than we fear it is!
PS Here's the video - only 12 minutes: http://www.ted.com/talks/shawn_achor_the_happy_secret_to_better_work.html
3 lenses on preparing for meetings
After taking the whole month off for a variety of holidays (and variety is the word - the month started with a week of Tai Chi training and ended with a week in Ibiza) I am back and preparing for a number of coaching sessions later this week. So it struck me it would be good to write something about my learning around preparation - particularly for coaching, but equally applicable to any business meeting.
My approach mirrors the way I help clients to look at what is really going on by using three lenses. FIrst I pay attention to myself - how am I feeling, both physically and emotionally, what am I thinking about, what will I need to do to be able to be fully present (ie at my best)? Second I focus on the other person and wonder about what is going on for them. What do I know about who they are, their character style, preferences etc? I also notice how I am feeling about meeting up with them again. Finally, I think about the (coaching) context and the assumed roles we have taken in our previous (coaching) meetings. How helpful are they to achieving our mutual goals?
What I don't spend a lot of time on nowadays is thinking about my coachee's challenge. I maybe over-emphasise this point because I know that with my natural preference for problem solving and task achievement, I could easily become pre-occupied with it. And the purpose of coaching is not for me to work out my solution to the challenge, it's to help them work out theirs. Even in my consulting career, I learnt early on that content is only a small part of preparation. Some wise words from one of my early managers come back to me: "If you want to spend x% of the time on the client's agenda, only prepare (100-x)% of the content". I guess in coaching I now want to be virtually 100% on my client's agenda so I try to plan virtually 0% of the content.
A simple example from a while back will maybe bring this to life. Preparing for my third session with a client, I noticed I was working much too hard thinking about their challenge and how they could make progress on it. I realised this was because I was feeling anxious about whether I was really helping - not my best state for coaching. I then also remembered that my client was very introverted (vs my extraversion), so there might be a lot going on for them below the surface and my "pushing" to make "better" progress wasn't going to help it emerge. I could also see its potential for creating the wrong dynamic between us - me taking too much responsibility in my role and them taking too little. As a result of this preparation, I relaxed and (with a quieter mind) became more receptive, I created space to find out what was going on for them (by sharing my anxiety and listening to their perspective), and we actually had a great session exploring some areas they had been reflecting deeply upon following our previous session.
So even in preparation, the power to change comes from what you become aware of because of what you pay attention to.
My approach mirrors the way I help clients to look at what is really going on by using three lenses. FIrst I pay attention to myself - how am I feeling, both physically and emotionally, what am I thinking about, what will I need to do to be able to be fully present (ie at my best)? Second I focus on the other person and wonder about what is going on for them. What do I know about who they are, their character style, preferences etc? I also notice how I am feeling about meeting up with them again. Finally, I think about the (coaching) context and the assumed roles we have taken in our previous (coaching) meetings. How helpful are they to achieving our mutual goals?
What I don't spend a lot of time on nowadays is thinking about my coachee's challenge. I maybe over-emphasise this point because I know that with my natural preference for problem solving and task achievement, I could easily become pre-occupied with it. And the purpose of coaching is not for me to work out my solution to the challenge, it's to help them work out theirs. Even in my consulting career, I learnt early on that content is only a small part of preparation. Some wise words from one of my early managers come back to me: "If you want to spend x% of the time on the client's agenda, only prepare (100-x)% of the content". I guess in coaching I now want to be virtually 100% on my client's agenda so I try to plan virtually 0% of the content.
A simple example from a while back will maybe bring this to life. Preparing for my third session with a client, I noticed I was working much too hard thinking about their challenge and how they could make progress on it. I realised this was because I was feeling anxious about whether I was really helping - not my best state for coaching. I then also remembered that my client was very introverted (vs my extraversion), so there might be a lot going on for them below the surface and my "pushing" to make "better" progress wasn't going to help it emerge. I could also see its potential for creating the wrong dynamic between us - me taking too much responsibility in my role and them taking too little. As a result of this preparation, I relaxed and (with a quieter mind) became more receptive, I created space to find out what was going on for them (by sharing my anxiety and listening to their perspective), and we actually had a great session exploring some areas they had been reflecting deeply upon following our previous session.
So even in preparation, the power to change comes from what you become aware of because of what you pay attention to.
A framework for resilience
I went to the AC conference on "Resilience" with a couple of colleagues last week - we were particularly interested as we've delivered a few resilience workshops together during the last couple of years. We heard some great individual presentations but nobody set out an over-riding framework for resilience work. So, as we couldn't present our own framework at the conference, let me present it here!
We took our framework from some research on corporate resilience which identified the three pillars of resilience as:
(a) facing reality
(b) connecting with core purpose
(c) freeing up intentional thinking
We realised these applied equally to individuals, and tied together many of the areas of work which seem to improve resilience.
Facing reality can lead you into two well established areas of work. One would be about seeing reality more clearly by becoming more aware of the distorting filters through which you habitually see the world and yourself within it. The other would be about staying in the reality of the present, rather than constantly focusing on an imagined future. This might involve work on mindfulness practices.
Connecting with core purpose can lead you into work on values and life scripts. Speakers at the conference discussed the powerful impact of work such as writing your own eulogy or engaging in random acts of kindness.
And freeing up intentional thinking is, to me, all about managing the limbic brain's response to threat. The threat response literally reduces the functioning of the Pre Frontal Cortex - the mental sketchpad on which we do creative thinking (ie conscious thinking as opposed to automatic or habitual / routine thinking). Under threat we work on autopilot. A focus on reducing the threat response again takes you into many areas of work (physical, social and psychological) that were talked about at the conference.
Having a resilience framework doesn't necessarily change the work you might do with a client, but I find it helpful in giving it direction.
We took our framework from some research on corporate resilience which identified the three pillars of resilience as:
(a) facing reality
(b) connecting with core purpose
(c) freeing up intentional thinking
We realised these applied equally to individuals, and tied together many of the areas of work which seem to improve resilience.
Facing reality can lead you into two well established areas of work. One would be about seeing reality more clearly by becoming more aware of the distorting filters through which you habitually see the world and yourself within it. The other would be about staying in the reality of the present, rather than constantly focusing on an imagined future. This might involve work on mindfulness practices.
Connecting with core purpose can lead you into work on values and life scripts. Speakers at the conference discussed the powerful impact of work such as writing your own eulogy or engaging in random acts of kindness.
And freeing up intentional thinking is, to me, all about managing the limbic brain's response to threat. The threat response literally reduces the functioning of the Pre Frontal Cortex - the mental sketchpad on which we do creative thinking (ie conscious thinking as opposed to automatic or habitual / routine thinking). Under threat we work on autopilot. A focus on reducing the threat response again takes you into many areas of work (physical, social and psychological) that were talked about at the conference.
Having a resilience framework doesn't necessarily change the work you might do with a client, but I find it helpful in giving it direction.
It's too easy to hide behind your role
In the last month, two of my clients have worked on a similar issue - how to maintain (or even develop) a good working relationship with their colleagues at peer or more senior level within the organisation when their roles occasionally bring them into conflict.
In both cases, we explored using a "two-chair" approach (ie looking at the relationship by sitting in each person's chair and also observing both chairs from an objective viewpoint). What emerged (in each case) was that my client was keeping back their true position (thoughts and emotions) because they felt to express them would be "inappropriate to our roles in the organisation". But as a consequence the other party was not seeing them as a person at all, and was responding in kind. So my clients' frustration that the other people could not see that they were good guys just doing their job was not surprising. These were meetings of roles, not people!
The moral of the story is that if you want people to see you, you have to show yourself and recognise any relationship has to be personal. Yet how often do we, particularly when we try to be "professional", act as if we are the job and hide behind our roles?
In both cases, we explored using a "two-chair" approach (ie looking at the relationship by sitting in each person's chair and also observing both chairs from an objective viewpoint). What emerged (in each case) was that my client was keeping back their true position (thoughts and emotions) because they felt to express them would be "inappropriate to our roles in the organisation". But as a consequence the other party was not seeing them as a person at all, and was responding in kind. So my clients' frustration that the other people could not see that they were good guys just doing their job was not surprising. These were meetings of roles, not people!
The moral of the story is that if you want people to see you, you have to show yourself and recognise any relationship has to be personal. Yet how often do we, particularly when we try to be "professional", act as if we are the job and hide behind our roles?
Transactional analysis of World Cup football!
I read an article yesterday which noted the fact that the last four teams in the world cup had the least well-known, most self-effacing managers (go on, name one). And this struck me as no coincidence at all.
It is something I had already been thinking about re the England team, not as a personal comment on Fabio, but as something systemic in the way the role is viewed and hence filled. One way to look at that system is to use Transactional Analysis.
The FA, the media, even us as fans, make the manager far too important... they want a "strong" leader who can impose discipline, a system, and himself, on these high paid ("spoilt") premiership stars. They will demand compiance with no dissent ("no talking back"). No "questioning tactics" and call the manager "Mr Capello". This is inherently an overly hierarchical view of the respective roles of manager and team. The manager is firmly in their "parent" state and the team are stuck in their "child". And we know the child is not the person at their best... they are less likely to handle emotional turbulence (pressure), or take responsibility for their actions - preferring instead to sulk, act out or blame others. Which is exactly what we've seen.
This used to be a common style in business (maybe still is in some organisations). But lots of research (Katzenberg & Smith etc) shows that high performing teams of talented individuals are not built on the parent-child dynamic of hierarchy and control, but on an adult-adult dynamic of assertive collaboration (see Thomas-Killman)- challenging everyone to work together in a common goal. The leaders of these teams know they have to create the right conditions for this dynamic... and they also know it's not all about them.
Which is why you've not heard much from the managers of the most successful teams at this world cup... they let their teams speak!
It is something I had already been thinking about re the England team, not as a personal comment on Fabio, but as something systemic in the way the role is viewed and hence filled. One way to look at that system is to use Transactional Analysis.
The FA, the media, even us as fans, make the manager far too important... they want a "strong" leader who can impose discipline, a system, and himself, on these high paid ("spoilt") premiership stars. They will demand compiance with no dissent ("no talking back"). No "questioning tactics" and call the manager "Mr Capello". This is inherently an overly hierarchical view of the respective roles of manager and team. The manager is firmly in their "parent" state and the team are stuck in their "child". And we know the child is not the person at their best... they are less likely to handle emotional turbulence (pressure), or take responsibility for their actions - preferring instead to sulk, act out or blame others. Which is exactly what we've seen.
This used to be a common style in business (maybe still is in some organisations). But lots of research (Katzenberg & Smith etc) shows that high performing teams of talented individuals are not built on the parent-child dynamic of hierarchy and control, but on an adult-adult dynamic of assertive collaboration (see Thomas-Killman)- challenging everyone to work together in a common goal. The leaders of these teams know they have to create the right conditions for this dynamic... and they also know it's not all about them.
Which is why you've not heard much from the managers of the most successful teams at this world cup... they let their teams speak!
"Don't talk to leaders about development"
A few months ago I wrote an article with this title to summarise the results of a survey about leadership development pre and post recession. I was talking about it last week with a colleague and I realised that this statement is more broadly reflective of my philosophy on leadership coaching, and that I have some energy to say more about it.
Coaches often describe their coaching as transformative, developmental, performance improving, or whatever. But I wonder whether these categories make sense to business leaders. Do they want to set out to transform themselves? Or just to develop a little bit? And what is the disctinction between this and performance improvement as a leader? My frustration with all these terms is that they can make coaching seem like something for when you're not under too much pressure. Which, of course, is when it may actually be of most value.
I find it much simpler to see all coaching as about "being the best you can be right now". That is about recognising when you are at your best and increasing awareness of how unconscious beliefs, emotions and thoughts can make you less than your best in some contexts. Often it is also about bringing more of yourself (your whole self) to your leadership. Which is usually performance improving, even if you are performing well. And over a period will be developmental as the increased awareness and self-management becomes habitual. And will become transformational if it leads to breaking the hold of previous habitual patterns.
In the drive to classify and control coaching as a developmental tool, we may have missed a key point, which is that for leaders, just like for top sportsman, coaching may be most valuable at those crunch times when the pressure is most intense.
Coaches often describe their coaching as transformative, developmental, performance improving, or whatever. But I wonder whether these categories make sense to business leaders. Do they want to set out to transform themselves? Or just to develop a little bit? And what is the disctinction between this and performance improvement as a leader? My frustration with all these terms is that they can make coaching seem like something for when you're not under too much pressure. Which, of course, is when it may actually be of most value.
I find it much simpler to see all coaching as about "being the best you can be right now". That is about recognising when you are at your best and increasing awareness of how unconscious beliefs, emotions and thoughts can make you less than your best in some contexts. Often it is also about bringing more of yourself (your whole self) to your leadership. Which is usually performance improving, even if you are performing well. And over a period will be developmental as the increased awareness and self-management becomes habitual. And will become transformational if it leads to breaking the hold of previous habitual patterns.
In the drive to classify and control coaching as a developmental tool, we may have missed a key point, which is that for leaders, just like for top sportsman, coaching may be most valuable at those crunch times when the pressure is most intense.
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