Returning to coaching this week, I also found myself returning to a favourite model in discussions with a coachee, the Thomas-Kilmann model for collaboration (usually referred to rather negatively as a conflict model). I thought I'd share my own particular way of using it.
It is a fairly simple 2x2 grid created by the interaction of two dimensions. One dimension refers to your desire to get what you want (Low to High). The other refers to your desire to give the other what they want (Low to High). Draw it out to see what the grid looks like. Collaboration requires a High desire in both dimensions.
It is usually helpful for people to see visually that you can only reach this quadrant by considering both dimensions. They then recognise how often they are working only in one dimension. We often believe we are thinking about what the other person wants, when in fact we are considering only what they don't want about what our proposal. So far, so good... but still a bit "Management Effectiveness 1.01"!
What I have found to be most useful about this model is that it doesn't just apply to the actual problem or decision on which you need to collaborate (or over which there is conflict). It also applies to the emotional desires of each party. So ask yourself what do I want emotionally from this interaction? Maybe that is recognition of my intelligence or expertise. Maybe it is respect for my status. Notice how little these depend on the actual outcome of the interaction. And what do they want emotionally? The neuroscientific research suggests that emotional wants (or maybe needs) are actually more powerful in causing conflict than any rational or cognitive disagreements. And just paying attention to this emotional win-win opens up new possibilities for finding a mutually positive way forward.
So my tip for today is think about the Thomas-Kilmann model, but specifically applied to emotional wants and needs.
