This is a post linking two things I've written about before. One is that we often don't know what we really want, or rather that it often isn't what we say we want. The other is that collaboration requires an assertive focus by both parties on what they and each other want.
Normally in working with clients on improving collaboration we focus on getting new insights into what the other wants. But sometimes it can be our own new insights into what we ourselves want that are equally important. This can be particularly true in relation to emotional needs rather than tangible / rational wants.
I had two examples of this recently. One arose from doing some 2-chair work with with a client (which I might expand upon when I've worked out how to do it without breaching any client confidentiality). The other arose in my personal life where in reflecting on an argument with a friend, I realised that what I'd really wanted was not to win the argument but to be appreciated for giving way! Knowing that this desire for acknowledgement was why I was arguing in the first place would have helped me let it go much quicker.
It's not easy to resolve conflict if you don't even know what YOU really want!
