The importance of getting away from the question "why" came up several times last week in slightly different circumstances each time.
A couple of clients were working on improving delegation. In both cases I had offered my version of the situational leadership model (see "useful 2x2 models") and we were exploring how they could use coaching more effectively to develop both competence and confidence in those they were delegating to, and so avoid bouncing straight back from delegation to detailed direction or doing it themselves.
What became apparent was that the question they often had in mind when coaching was "why?", as in (at least as a sub-text) "why didn't you do what I asked you to do?" Not helpful! The implied criticism triggers a threat response which is not good for learning or confidence, can create defensive reactions, and usually leads straight back to a repeat of directive instructions. It's like coaching someone to play tennis by asking them "why didn't you hit it over the net?" The much more useful question is "how?", as in "tell me how you approached x". In the tennis analogy, this is equivalent to saying "let me see you hit the ball again". Once someone is telling (or showing) you what they are doing, it is easy to notice, and help them to notice, things that are unhelpful that they might do differently next time. At one level, this is the essence of coaching - particularly when it is focused on improving performance in a task. It might seem as if it contradicts the famous saying "Leaders are the masters of what not how". However, really it supports it. You want your reports to be the masters of how, so you want them to tell you about the how - not you to tell them.
Another client was focusing on managing unhelpful emotions. For them the unhelpful "why" they had too much in mind was "why do I feel these emotions?". Again, more helpful is focusing on "how", as in "how do I manage these emotions". It's a little bit more complex in this scenario, as labelling is part of how you might manage them, and to label requires some understanding of "why". Also, we are clearly working at a deeper psychological level. However, what is clear is that "why" is rarely the most helpful question you can ask.
