It's amazing how often we make exactly the wrong choice about which of these to do!
Let's look first at talking about feelings. Sometimes we think we should do this when we feel something is (emotionally) important to us. And yet it can sometimes fall strangely flat so that other people just don't seem to engage with it. This is actually not surprising. As a physiological effect, when you name an emotion you reduce your own (and others) emotional response to it. It seems that in naming it you objectify it, so that you do not experience it. For example, in saying "I'm really excited" you lose some of the feeling of excitement. So you don't want to name the positive feeling, you want to talk with excitement about what is making you excited. You DO want to name your negative feelings! For example, saying "I can feel I'm starting to get really angry" actually lessens the anger. Yet in many management meetings I've been to, it's the "I'm excited" comment that gets said a lot, and the "I'm getting angry" comment that is taboo. With predictable consequences!
Contrast that with speaking with feeling. This is what we do when we allow our feelings to show in what we say and how we say it. Colloquially we say we are speaking from the heart. This intensifies the emotional impact not just on you but also on those listening to you, through the power of limbic resonance. This ability to speak from the heart is something all good leaders need to develop. Yet too many still see that being business-like and professional means speaking without feeling. Even worse, they can try to talk in a business-like way about things they actually feel strongly positive about. Oh dear! Perhaps they are afraid the feelings will overwhelm them or others. But if the feeling is getting too strong, and becoming overwhelming, you can always use naming to bring it back under control.
So to paraphrase a famous prayer, you need courage to speak from the heart (ie speak with feeling) when it's helpful, humility to acknowledge your emotions (ie talk about feelings) when they are not, and wisdom to distinguish between the two situations.
